onored citizens of the realms ...
Most excellent fellow Genesis enthusiasts ...
Esteemed good folk ...
Gather yourselves round the campfire. There you go. Get yourself comfortable
against that log ... smell the night air ... feel the heat and watch the
sparks rise into the heavens ... I have a tale to tell. A sad tale it is,
filled with humour and tragedy ... alas ... the tragedy.
Consider now, the Epic of Philbo ...
Philbo was a smart young lad ... oh, smart at least, for he had an IQ far
(stratospherically so) higher than all but the most cerebral in the land.
At least, that is what the tales said. Well, the tales he told himself anyway,
on long cold nights alone in his room ... wait ... I'm getting distracted.
Anyway ... Philbo! Yes. Smart lad. And by smart I mean sassy. Oh ... very
VERY sassy! Yes ... Philbo seems to have been born to sass. It is quite
possible that he was, dare I say it, a Sassmaster.
And thus we have our hero. Sassmaster Philbo. Proud was he, and not at all
downcast by his (relatively) subtle stature. Nay! To the Sassmaster, this
tiny stature, weak constitution, and minute statistical presence was worth
far more than its weight in (fool's) gold! For, as any true Sassmaster has
found, they are often beaten into the ground like a blunt circus-tent stake
by even the most patient folk for their "way with words." Thus, the goal
of any Sassmaster is to find a shield ... a tower of defence so stalwart that
no amount of sass could ever arouse sufficient wrath to allow said tent-stake-
poundage.
Philbo believed he had found just such a shield. High he held his banner of
flawless, impenetrable defence, and emblazoned upon its flowing indelible
surface was the almighty word of warding - NEWBIE.
... yes ....... Yes ..... YES!!!
This was it. The Sassmaster had found his standard, and he would bear it
no less proudly than the Man of La Mancha himself! Sass ... SASS!! Oh, there
would be sass.
And thus, the stage was set for our epic tale. Behold, the City of Dark
Sorcery ... foul pit of the evil-breeders of the Dark Lord's most hideous
Society! Surely, they could use a good dose of the Sassmaster's powerful
sting more than any in the land! With sure footing and eager purpose did
Philbo kick open the dark gates of Morgul to stride about the City, his
Sass flowing freely into all the darkest pits of hell that the Dark Lord
and his minions ever conceived to delve. And forth did the denizens of that
dread City come to besiege our intrepid hero. Behold, Mage! Behold, Nazgul!
Behold the demands for the Sassmaster to explain his bold ways. And thus,
unto the foul assailants the Sassmaster did heave his volley of sass:
Philbo yells: I'm a newbie, so that basically means you can't do anything
to me.
Philbo yells: I'm mailing the AoP right now.
Though narrow were the eyes of the wraiths, Philbo's spirit did not plunge
one ounce. Nay! His buttocks continued to wave in the faces of the fell
denizens of that terrible place. Prance he did ... prance proudly! Through
the streets of Morgul did he prance. And sing his song of warding:
"Sass, sass, as loud as I can! You can't touch me, I'm the Newbie-head
man!!"
And the sass did flow. His banner waving high, he continued to assail the
forces of the East, killing their troops and laughing as his sword swiped.
But the tale ends in tragedy, as I have already fortold. For the eyes of
the east continued to Narrow. And the word of warding was untrue.
Twice was the newbie Philbo killed by the wraiths of Morgul, and his
once proudly brandished buttocks severed, roasted, and served to the rat
folk who inhabit the Morgul dungeons.
Oh ... we also deleted Phiblo since he went totally insane and decided that
was a good way to practice his newest stand-up comedian
material.
And thus, ends the Epic of Philbo.
Morale: Being a newbie doesn't entitle you to skip freely through the game
in a consequence-free environment. Don't expect me or any other
wizard to come to your rescue if you decide that your contributions
to the game are going to include farting in the faces of elite
players and guilds so that you can laugh at them and point at your
newbie pin. You will share Philbo's fate, and I will be the first
one to take a bite of your roasted rump.
G.
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