OOC: Healing and cleaning out my closet.

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Dhez
Great Adventurer
Posts: 155
Joined: 07 Oct 2015 17:38
Location: Gorlovka

OOC: Healing and cleaning out my closet.

Post by Dhez » 08 Jun 2022 12:24

Code: Select all

Greetings, everyone,

I want to thank the bravest of you who took the first steps in bringing this
illness in our community to the public's attention. It is not only a courageous
thing to do but an exemplary one. The first step towards solving a problem is
recognizing the existence of one and the best way to talk about others is first
talking about our own selves. Thank you for leading by example and baring your
souls with our community.

I'd like to take my own steps towards some sorely needed positivity in this
world we share and recognize that there are many things I could have done
better in the past when engaging both mortals and wizards. There isn't much one
can do to change past decisions and their subsequent actions, but I want to
acknowledge where I've done wrong and express my regret. I don't expect this
acknowledgement or my apology to undo the pain I've caused, the
misunderstandings that arose or the relationships which were damaged, but
hopefully it helps to tell you that I am both aware and regretful that I did
not handle these things better. I'm not perfect and sometimes I am too
emotional but I try to learn from my mistakes.

Vallimar: You were one of my role models in learning how to act properly as a
warrior. We shared good times and we clashed. I did not know how to better
communicate with you to try and solve the issues we had regarding Destre. I'd
like to think that if I had been mature enough there could have been options to
find mutual understanding without so much animosity. We did have our long talk
afterwards and I did have the opportunity to explain why I believed we clashed,
but still I want to once again apologize for acting so harsh. I felt slighted,
insulted, and fearful of what happened with Ghorphys also happening with
Destre. I felt powerless in the face of that threat and handled the situation
within what I believed to be my role. I became so focused on the issue at hand
that I forgot to see the bigger picture.

Nellnight: I did not know you well before joining the Union and I can't say I
knew you well enough while I was in it to appreciate you. You wear a thick
shell and acted what I understood to be so mysteriously that it became
difficult to me to form a bond of trust with you. I learned much from you after
my previous mentor, Shesara, left the Union, and at that point in time during
our many discussions I perceived conflicts between what you told me was Right
and what you did. I was blindly righteous in what I understood to be my role
and did not agree with what I understood to be someone being above the law.
This perception could have well been caused by ignorance and simply being
naive. I did not appreciate at the time the importance of stability in a guild
and I was, for the reasons expressed before, unable to blindly trust that your
actions and decisions had our best interests in mind. I wanted to excel, to be
all the great things the Union stood for, and I felt empowered in my
righteousness because Kitriana, who knew you well and for many years, was also
in disagreement, so I acted from that reasoning and emotion. I wish I had been
able to find a proper way to communicate with you, to trust you enough to talk
from the heart. I wish I had been able to repress the fear that pushed me to
believe that the best defense
was a strong offense. To this day I still cannot say I appreciate you in full
as others who know you well do. We never had a chance to talk from person to
person. Regardless I am regretful of my actions and if I had the chance to
choose again I'd rather be the victim than the perpetrator.

Hektor: Thank you for the opportunities you gave me and for the hope you saw in
me. I'm sorry I disappointed you by not fulfilling your expectations. Similarly
to what happened in the Union, I was still too strictly attached to my role in
the guild we shared to see eye to eye on many issues. I tried to fit in, but I
felt uncomfortable in our guild and how things were run. I did not oppose you
directly, and chose instead to walk away, thus disappointing you. I chose what
I understood to be the lesser evil, but an evil nonetheless.

Areficent: Thank you for being a friend for how long it lasted. It was very
pleasant, fun, and exciting to work with you and improve on what we loved. I
didn't oppose you directly either nor caused you harm, but I did walk away from
collaborating with youbecause I felt the atmosphere was too unstable with all
the mood swings. The roleyou chose as leader of a guild that is supposed to
have two separate leaders, each one for each company, felt unfair to me. I did
not share leadership with you, butsomeone else did, and when you reacted so
harshly to your co-leader taking over whenyou were absent to a set meeting, I
interpreted that as power hoarding. I have thisthing inside me that rebells
against an individual acting beyond what their role in a guild is. This is also
what I told Diri when she asked me how I felt about her being a leader: I have
no problem with an absolute leader if that guild is designed to have one. I
only have a problem with it when the guild is designed in a way  which doesn't
allow it but regardless someone tries to act as a leader and have a dominance
over the others. Combine that with my protective nature and it was just a
recipe for disaster. Once again, I simply walked away instead of talking it
out. At this point in life I understood that the best course of action when
you're in such a disagreement where, if outspoken, it could damage the
friendship, it is best to preserve the friendship and do away with the
business. It would have been better to talk it out, but I have my own emotional
limitations I need to work on and I've put a lot of emphasis on avoiding drama
instead of sorting it out. This public apology is me working on the latter.

Scotia: During my time as a cleric you were a magnificent companion. I was so
enraged  when that mage killed you in Middle Earth and it was part of the
reason why I was so upset at how the Elemental Clerics handled their business.
You were/are an intelligent, fun and very capable person whom I really cared
for. My intentions with you were from the perspective of my character, and what
I learned of the person behind it in so far we were willing and able to share,
I appreciated and made me care all the more. I never understood all that went
wrong here but I can only guess it's a combination of various things. First, I
confided in a friend that I had met this great person whom I liked. When I
shared that, I didn't mean it to bleed out into OOC. I was speaking from the
perspective of my character. I'm sorry that offended you and it caused all
those repercussions. I think they were all well-founded and that it partly had
to do with a protective nature. I get it. I didn't mean for it to be an issue
and I'm sorry it caused so much trouble. I always respected you and treated you
with a reflection of such. If I said positive or negative things to others in
the guild, please try to understand that the context of it was that EC does
most of its business OOC since it is so difficult for members to meet in-game.
I had to present my opinions on your character as a mentor in a less than ideal
platform while also hiding my character's interest so it wouldn't influence
their view of you. I'm sorry if things got mixed up and RP bled into OOC due to
how all of us communicated. It's very hard to keep a clear distinction between
a character and the person behind it, and I'm not really transparent about my
RL persona with everyone from the start. There are historical reasons for it,
similar to what happened to Greneth. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding and for
any pain I caused. I know it's a trope to say I didn't mean to, but I have no
better explanation for it.

Kelrhys: Woman, you are the strangest one of them all here. I always considered
you a friend, a close one even, and we shared so much in good faith. I accepted
and understood your RP change of heart, and distanced myself to make it less
awkward for  your character to deal with. We had a lot of fun with our
collaborations and I still root for the most powerful woman in Krynn. I'm not
sure why now we cross each other and walk away without saying hello. I respect
that and don't seek you out to ask or greet you, but I want you to know there
are no hard feelings on my part and I still and always wish you the best in all
your endeavours. You're a great character and an incredibly capable leader. I'm
sorry if I put you in difficult positions or caused conflict with your role as
a magician.

Diri: You're another one of those whom I never personally attacked but still
bred bad blood because of the problem with Nellnight. I've had a love/hate
relationship with you for so long. I don't agree with everything you do, but I
accept and respect it. I annoy you more often than not, but you also annoy me
sometimes. I'm sorry about what happened with Nellnight. I never meant that as
an affront to you but I understand you have to side with yours. I don't hold it
against you and I know I'm still in a way paying for my mistakes. I've been
open with you because I have this perception of you as someone who plays their
role as an evil, hated woman quite well, but I know the person behind it is a
caring, mature and intelligent one. After so much tumbling around and enjoying
the game in different ways, I finally worked up the courage to apply to become
a priest under you and I was rejected after some scrutiny. I didn't receive a
reason but I also don't think I am "owed" any. You are free to decide who joins
your guild and who doesn't. I can have a thousand different theories as to why
I was rejected but that doesn't make them true nor do I go around talking about
it to others. What I did find annoying was how you'd bring up the topic in
front of others. I accepted my rejection and didn't make it a public thing. I
kept it to myself because I didn't want others to come up with any conspiracy
theories about you, but it was really an annoying thing to keep bringing it up
and telling others that I still need to change. I really don't understand why
some people feel they're so perfect that any change has to come only from
others and not also themselves. I can accept my wrongdoings and I'll own up to
my mistakes, but I've felt belittled and treated as a child more often than I
can bear. In any case I have no hard feelings against you and I still admire
your character and the role she plays. It would've been an honor to be under
you and have the opportunity to focus more on playing a role to the best of my
abilities instead  of focusing on the more powerplaying aspects of the game,
but I accepted the reality of that not happening and I'm trying to give back to
the community and the game where and how I can. I'm sorry if you've felt
slighted by me or if I didn't live up to your expectations.

Emelie: Back when I was very new to Genesis, you were one of my friends, a
close one even. I learned so much from you and we had great times. You were a
very difficult person for me to deal with because you're such a perfectionist
that it always made me feel inadequate. We often confused our characters with
ourselves and that was a mess. I know we fell apart and I stopped talking to
you at some point. I'm not even sure  anymore why that was, but I'm certain it
had to do with my feeling inadequate, below you in terms of how good you can
roleplay or how much you know of the game. I needed to make my own way in this
world and learn from others, and I thought one day I'd make you proud. I don't
really remember why that never worked out. Maybe I threw a fit? I'll gladly
take the blame and consider it as me being unable to emotionally handle it, but
one thing is for sure: I never went out of my way to slander you, harm you or
cause you any trouble. I've heard rumors of Emelie calling me snake, telling
Garwain I'd  betray them, and many other things, but I sincerely cannot recall
interacting with Emelie herself more than a few times in passing, nothing that
warrants neither me wanting to do you harm nor you me, but whatever. We are
humans after all and we as well as our characters will have a reason to do
whatever they do. What I want to state is that I have nothing against you. Of
all the things that happened between us, I remember only the good times and the
feeling of me not being good enough to interact with your level of roleplay.
You did a great thing with Emelie that I think is unmatched by anyone else in
this game, but that new direction you took with her didn't include me, and
that's fine. I've steered clear of you and never interfered in your business.
I'm sorry if my way of handling things caused you pain, made you feel insulted,
slighted, or disrespected. That wasn't my intention. I'm not into
confrontation, so I often just shrug and walk away. The only one time I
asserted myself and confronted someone was with the Nellnight thing and that's
a mess I'm still paying for today.

Saya: When I first heard the name 'Saya' was in relation to vampires and PVP. I
thought it'd be a fun and intense experience to collaborate with her. Myst had
sung such praises of Saya, and Myst is someone whose opinions I value, that I
wanted to meet her. The whole issue with her started when our interactions
inherited the past troubles with SU even if Saya wasn't even a thing back then.
I guess it's because Nellnight and her go back a long way, and that's fine. I'd
also be wary if someone had done wrong by my friend in the past and I'd end up
close to them in the present. However, not wanting to justify myself, dig up
the past, and offer explanations yet again, I decided to just steer clear of
her. We were vampire spawns when we met. No one had covens and there were no
groups. She chose her people and I chose mine. I have nothing against her. Mind
you, I also don't like to be controlled, questioned or scrutinized by someone
who isn't my leader and with whom I have 0 issues with. Vampires are
mechanically a free to join guild, and I don't get to dictate how anyone else
plays a vampire or what allegiances they have any more than any other vampire
does. I became a vampire to roleplay one, and not to have to deal with my past
as SU. Being forced to scrutiny through an SU lense made it uncomfortable for
me to deal with Saya, so I thought: ok, parallel lives. There has been more to
this drama but I don't want to make it public out of respect for Saya and those
involved. They've been addressed separately. On a personal level? I have no
issues with Saya. She's a powerful, complex, intelligent and good roleplayer
with powerful allies who could kill me down to pure quest exp if they so
wished. I'm not downplaying my own ability to defend myself, but I really don't
want to come to  Genesis to hate people and have them hate me for anything
other than my role. I don't expect to be loved by everyone, but I expect us to
coexist. Anyhow: Saya, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations or if
my handling of our conflicts left much to be desired. Once again, I'm just
avoiding, avoiding, avoiding all the time because I'm not in a place in life
where my time, energy, and emotional investment can be put into negativity. I
truly have nothing against you or yours. You play your character well and even
if we don't agree with everything or see eye to eye, that's fine. I wish we
could just resolve our differences somehow and move on to let time give us the
chance to judge each other based on what we do to each other instead of what
we've done in the past.

Karpath: I'm sorry I had to talk so harshly to you last time we met. I
understand you're annoyed at people using scripts in the past and have even
killed some of them. I also understand that you have to roleplay a strong, evil
character, but please understand that you're not the only one who has to do
that and we're bound to clash if we both want to roleplay being intimidating.
It's not personal. I respect your character, your guild, and even your decision
against me. You're just catching me in a very weary state after being pushed
around and I'm quite tired of being seen as a punching bag. I'd much rather
team with you and try to make a friend, but if I'm not up to your standards I
can accept that as well.

Staerek: Similarly, you're catching me quite weary from being pushed around and
people believing they can intimidate me. It's nothing personal. It's just not
within my character to be so submissive nor does he have any reason to be so to
yours. I'm really fed up with people assuming botting so quickly and even more
so at telling me to know my role. I know my role quite well, and I'm sorry it
doesn't live up to your standards but that's not something you can influence in
our current relation nor do I think anyone is so free of sin to tell others how
to act. However, I do admit to being unnecessarily harsh and I'd take it back
if I could.

Ramirez: Again, roleplay vs roleplay. You expect a certain behavior from those
below you and assume I am there due to your roleplay. Our roles conflict. I'm
not under your leadership nor are you under mine, so we can either try to talk
it out like people or we can fight it out within our roles. Point being: it
isn't personal and I have nothing against you or hold grudges. I'm sorry for
the misunderstanding and we can agree to disagree. Again, I'd much rather join
forces than annoy you, but I also understand if that isn't an option for you.

Look, in general, I'm trying to clean up my closet. I'm fairly sure I've
forgotten a lot of people in this list but it is long enough as it is. I'm sure
I'll remember later and think "Ah, damn, I also should've said...", but I hope
that just hints at me truly trying to do some introspection, recognize my
mistakes, own up to them and try to be part of this healing process our
community is going through.

I've tried to play a role in this game. Sometimes that role has been loved,
others it has been hated. I've made many friends whom I cherish, and many
enemies who I wish I hadn't, but even if it sounds stupid, I'd love for those
relations to stay within the boundaries of the role I play. When I, as Dhez the
Warrior of Shadow, chased people in the holm and killed enemies of Sybarus, it
was because that was my role to play. It is nothing personal. I have nothing
against anyone here. If we're joining opposite themed guilds and it's your role
to hate me, fight me, kill me, do so. I'll do the same. But the moment you
change your guild, I'll accept the clean slate and let bygones be bygones.
We're mostly adults here trying to play a game in our free time, and conflict
should be fun and painful, but it shouldn't bleed into your personal lives and
ruin your fun. If I cross a line, reach out to me, tell me I'm being a dick and
I promise you I'll be introspective enough to try my best and see it from your
point of view. I know how redeeming such an encounter can be. I've, in the past
in other lives, had the worst experience trying to join a guild (MM) to the
point where I'dcry, and felt the redeeming quality of a human reaching out and
saying 'Dude, it's RP, I know it can be harshed but you're fine. It's supposed
to feel like hell'.

I don't think it's required of you to tell me about your personal life for me
to trust you as a player. I'm certainly fond of my private sphere as I am sure
you are of yours. This is afterall a public space, not a safe one, and we have
to take precautions as we  do anywhere else in the internet. However, let's
remember we are people, not evil aliens or subhumans wanting to cause chaos. We
come from different countries, different cultures, we have different histories,
political affiliations, ideologies, and philosophies. Disagreeing with someone
does not make them evil. We won't have an utopia here but we needn't have a
dystopia either.

We're all people, and I'd like to think at the core of us all we're good. We
have people we care for, we have conflicts, good and bad days, and inclinations
that are both healthy as well as not so much. We've had people who have done
very wrong to the game and its players, and oftentimes we've taken up our
pitchforks and gone to hunt them based on rumors, hearsay, subjective
experiences and one-sided accounts of what has happened. We've had incidents
that are borderline (and sometimes outright) illegal, and I want to be able to
trust in the administration of this game to take those accountsseriously,
investigate, and conclude. I don't want to have to fight someone else's battle
where I may unwillingly and unknowingly be a pawn in someone else's
machinations.

I want to play a role to the best of my abilities and deal with what pertains
to that role. If there is something wrong beyond that which breaks the rules
(or feels very wrong and needs special attention, because not everything is
included in rules), I want to be able to reach out to the administration and
have them deal with it. I want to trust their judgement and believe we're all
people united by a common goal: to have a place in this world of ours which we
enjoy and cherish, and which we want to see not only continue existing but also
prosper. I want to be glad I'm part of this group instead of asking myself "Why
do I put myself through this?". I want to accept my faults and do what I can to
make amends instead of thinking of myself as flawless and everyone else being
at fault. I want to meet you halfway and work towards living  together here. I
want to be proud of what we build and maintain here, not only wizards because
not everything built here is built in code. It pertains to us all to
contributewith our words and deeds so that this game succeeds. It's not just
how we treat wizards. It's about how we treat each other and the difficulties
that come with a social setting in which the lines of RP and the Internet are
so hard to draw.

Anyhow, this is my attempt at doing my part. I'll try and do better each
iteration and although I'm afraid of repercussions and misunderstandings, I am
willing to bare my soul here and allow myself to be hurt because shelling up
has brought nothing goodso far.

I understand this post reads like a suicide note, at least a virtual one, and
I'm not sure if it is or isn't. I've considered quitting Genesis more in the
past months than ever before and I've lost some friends who have done so
already. If it comes to that, these are the things I wanted to say before I do
so. If I choose to or am allowed to stay, I hope this at least lets you see a
mortal player as a person who makes mistakes, recognizes them, tries to fight
themselves to do better, learns from them, and hopes to become something less
of an ass in the process.

In peace,
The person who plays a character named Dhez.
You see a mousetrap. I see free cheese and a challenge.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

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